Messy and Magnificent: Me, You, Us in Memoir and Personal Essays
Crafting nonfiction stories from memory can make the complexities of relationships more understandable and memorable than academic texts. The stories are compelling because they reveal life in all its messy and magnificent reality.
We will concentrate on marriage. Reading memoirs and personal essays from different situations illuminates how relationships work well and how they don't. They illustrate the impacts of societal expectations, gender roles, and definitions on partnerships. The stories reveal how other relationships — such as deep friendships, in-laws, and children — create pressures and opportunities that couples navigate together.
“…the story of my marriage, which is the great joy and astonishment of my life, is too much like a fairy tale -the German kind, unsweetened by Disney…it is unpleasant business even if it ends in love (Ann Patchett, “This is the Story of a Happy Marriage”)
“If you want to stay married, the first thing you’re going to need is to be insane…getting married is not.” (Harrison Scott Key, How To Stay Married)
The percentage of married-couple households decreased from 71 percent in 1970 to 47 percent in 2022, suggesting that something is happening to the institution of marriage.
The average marriage length for couples who survive the first seven years is forty-one years. Ninety-five percent of couples who show appreciation for each other daily report being "highly satisfied" in their marriage.
Required Materials:
Burden, Belle. Strangers. (Dial Press, 2026)
Shapiro, Dani. Hourglass: Time, Memory, Marriage. (Knopf, 2017).
If you are interested in writing a memoir, this book may be helpful: Smith, Marion Roach. The Memoir Project. Grand Central Publishing, 2011. This book is useful for all writing: King, Steven. On Writing. Scribner. 2020. Ask me for more recommendations.
Learning Outcomes:
Extract lessons from narrative approaches about intimate relationships.
Examine how cultural, historical, personal growth, conflict, and social contexts shape marriages.
Articulate writing techniques.
Explain your ideas about what makes for a successful marriage.
Session Format
Discussion of readings.
Reflections on session questions.
Set up next session.
We’ll discuss your interests during the first session and modify the plan to accommodate your ideas.
These sessions involve pre-work. I am asking you to read at least 100 pages a week and to keep a journal of observations. This will be a safe place as sharing is optional, and we’ll honor confidentiality.
Session 1: Introduction
Readings:
Patchett (PDF)[1]
Session Questions:
Why do people marry?
If they marry, what leads to a successful marriage?
Why do authors tell their stories? Why do we need new stories?
What questions do you have about marriage?
Session 2: Love, First Meetings
Readings:
Ginzburg (PDF)
Darling (PDF)
Daniels (PDF)
(Optional) 63 and Up
Session Questions:
Write about the first or early moments of a relationship. (Optional: interview your partner about their memories)
To what extent do you believe in the idea of a soulmate? Love at first sight?
What are societal expectations for marriage, and how do they influence how a marriage plays out?
Session 3: Daily Life, Routines
Readings:
Shapiro (especially pages 107-145)
Nina Riggs read by Kate Winslet
(optional)The Four Seasons[2]
Session Questions:
Describe a typical day in your relationship.
What could have happened but didn’t?
What are your marriage routines? Focus on details that reveal the characters and the relationship.
What role do routines play in creating a relationship?
How do things like food and family traditions influence your relationship?
What facts would you list about your marriage?
Can meaningful relationships be built with Artificial Intelligence?
Session 4: Challenges, Growth
Readings:
Burden Book
Havrilesky (PDF)
Oppenheimer (PDF)
Optional Emily Ferris and Maggie Smith
Session Questions:
Discuss a crisis or challenge in your relationship.
Identify a document from your marriage (card, letter, photo). What memory does it evoke? Dive into the past and let the document serve as a portal to the vivid memories and emotions that shaped your relationship. Experiment with incorporating the document into a narrative to create a tapestry of your shared journey.
How do writers balance privacy and disclosure? Explore the delicate dance between what is revealed and what remains untold. Consider how your narrative can resonate with readers while respecting personal boundaries.
What roles do argument, listening, asking questions, and expressing needs play in a relationship? Delve into these communication skills and how they contribute to the growth and resilience of a marriage.
Session 5: Legacy, Reflection
Readings:
Discuss Shapiro and Buden books
Session Questions:
How would you organize your writing so far?
To what extent have you changed your ideas on marriage due to these readings and discussions?
Reflect on your legacy and the passage of time. How do your experiences and insights compare with those of Shapiro, Buden and the other authors we read?
Write a letter to the younger generation about what you've learned about marriage. Infuse it with heartfelt advice, lessons learned, and hopes for the future.
